Chronic illness has stolen way too much from me. Confidence is one of them. The illness has caused me to struggle finding words to communicate as I did before. Words used to be my “thing”. I used to love learning new words, letter writing, story writing and even public speaking. Now I stutter and stammer and cannot remember what I was going to say or do. I have become very quiet and stopped writing. My voice, my God-given gift, has been stifled, along with my self-confidence.
Yet, here I am trying to be bold again. Trying to take back what was taken. I recently posted on my social media page “sometimes you just need to talk about something – not to get sympathy or help, but just to kill its power by allowing the truth of things to hit the air.” I know that speaking out and sharing will help heal me. Maybe it will do the same for those who read this.
I absolutely believe that the illness is not of God, but a sharp dagger thrown deep into my soul from the dark one, the one who does not want me to speak, so that my inner light grows dim and weak. This is a physical battle, but even more, it is a spiritual battle. This indeed is war!
After nearly ten years of illness and strange and painful, migratory symptoms, I was diagnosed with chronic Lyme disease and Babesia, and later also Bartonella. These infections I received from the bite of an infected wood tick or mosquitoes after an enjoyable 4th of July weekend outdoors. After years of adjusting my life to managing symptoms, more symptoms arrived that left me completely debilitated. The infections had progressed and burrowed deep into my brain, central nervous system and eyes. I could no longer work and began treatment with strong antibiotic cocktails and supplements. With treatment, the severity of the symptoms and medication side effects left me bed/couch/chair ridden, feeling even sicker, and within three months my muscles were gone along with thirty pounds of me.
One night, with symptoms so severe I felt death may be coming soon, I rested in silence with tears streaming down my face, soaking my hair and pillow. I heard the most frightening, screeching voice in my ear, as if the dark one/the enemy was sitting directly on my shoulder. It said “Give up! Throw in the towel! It’s not worth it!” I was shocked at how sneaky the enemy could be, speaking to me at a time when I was at my weakest. This happened just days after hearing of the suicide of Robyn Williams, as well as several fellow Lyme sufferers taking their own lives because the agony was too much and they saw no hope or resolution in sight. The enemy wanted me dead too. I felt no peace and knew what I had to do. Out loud I yelled “Jesus”! I felt a calming, but then immediately felt the fear return and spoke out again “In the name of Jesus Christ, you spirit of depression or suicide, you MUST LEAVE and do it now!” It was as if I received a complete body scan which penetrated every part of me, and every cell with a comforting warmth and peace. Appalled at how the enemy was in my ear at such a weak point, yet in complete awe with how the presence of God was with me as soon as I spoke out His name. It took me a few days before I found my joy, but Joy did come.
It is not the first attempt at silencing me, but I will save that story for another entry.
Sharing my story is about being brave and encouraging others through my victories, and to remind others to never give up, and NEVER let the enemy steal their story. We all have a very unique message in our stories and we can all be OVERCOMERS. What we have to share is important and needs to be heard. Remember that when you feel lost, desperate, or alone, CRY OUT to God and others. You are not alone in this world.
God bless.
–Vicki C.
Let Me Not Die While I am Still Alive 